Our Origin StoryFrom Jim and Dave

We got connected a few years ago. We quickly realized we were on the same page about what men were going through but—like most guys—just talked about it in a way that made us feel smarter without actually doing anything about it.

Then we had a thought. Guys have been going through some challenging times (stresses and struggles of all sizes) but without a place to connect with other men going through the very same things. Women, by and large, have each other! We wondered: could we develop a place where guys share experiences with others free from the stigma that keeps men from doing this for each other?

CAMARADERIE has sprung from that question and hopefully will be that place for you. Here's how each of us has experienced the need for and the feeling of camaraderie in our own lives.

Jim

If I think back on the times I've felt a sense of camaraderie with other men, I think of my best friends from high school and how important it was for us to see and understand each other through our teenage years. We're still friends today, and though we don't share those same struggles now, we're connected in ways I'll never feel with other guys.

I think about challenging long-distance bike rides where I still remember almost every moment and could name every rider. Because these were guys who were really with me. Whether we were climbing mountain passes in Colorado, riding across Vermont in a day, or surviving a century ride in the Midwest heat, the feeling that we were all in it — experiencing the same things, pushing through the physical, mental, and emotional demands — has kept us bonded for years.

I think of it when I hear my son talk about what he misses most about competitive baseball — the moments in the dugout, the deeper connection he felt with his teammates. He doesn't talk about the championship he won. He talks about the feeling that comes from a group of young men struggling together toward the same goal. He misses what that shared struggle produced.

I think of it from coaching my daughter's basketball team. After eight years together, I asked the girls to talk about what mattered most to them. None of them mentioned a game. They talked about the friendships that developed and the times they laughed together.

I think of it when I've literally climbed a mountain with other men — my best friend, my son, others — how we push one another to reach the top and wait for one another to get down safely.

These are the moments when I've felt camaraderie most – or seen it most clearly in others.

Yes, I've interviewed hundreds of men over my career as a researcher, and yes, I've gained insight from those conversations. But the most important thing I might have learned is this:

Camaraderie is what shared struggle produces.

And in today's world, men are struggling but they're largely doing it alone.

We're missing the feeling of camaraderie more than we realize. Let's get it back.

Dave

I'm the only child of a couple who had as many reasons to separate as they did to stay together. My job was to create household harmony, being good while being funny, filling gaps unfilled by the others –an impossible task I failed at repeatedly. There were good times but many bad ones that I repressed as if my life depended on it. It kind of did.

Short, twitchy but fun/funny/fast, I did the “social dance” well enough to maintain enough friendships to save me from the loneliness/only-ness of homelife. I played competitive sports yet enjoyed playing far more than winning. This baffled coaches and myself; I wondered if I lacked ambition.

Turns out my ambition was to help others live better lives. This is altruistic but it's also selfish AF. I'm now realizing (despite all the therapy I've had/administered as a therapist) that by helping others, I create a world that's safer for and to me—one I'll not have to constantly dance to protect.

Camaraderie is something I feel when I see it in action. That's how I learn. My role is more in its origination than in participation. That is, I'm a part of it, yet also apart from it. I'm typically leading from a safe distance or when not leading, I'm barely involved. Later, I'll complain about it to my wife or men's group and they'll remind me this is completely my own (un)doing!

This platform privileges openness and honesty and requires self-awareness—qualities I'm new to, though through CAMARADERIE I'm working on. I'm hoping it helps you all out by helping you get further inside yourself. A '70's rock band (Genesis) sang cryptically: “You gotta get in to get out.” I think maybe now I finally get what they meant.